


Attack on Cloudbase: Director's Cut

by insominia



Category: Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons
Genre: Attack on Cloudbase, Character Death In Dream, Crack, Gen, Gratuitous Swearing, No beta we die like Mysterons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:53:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29959176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insominia/pseuds/insominia
Summary: A true retelling of the episode 'Attack on Cloudbase.'Hailed by the guy I told about it before I wrote it as, 'Interesting concept but why?' Attack on Cloudbase: Director's Cut delves into the very core of the episode, analyzing the major themes of love, sacrifice and Captain Magenta's sheer inability to count.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 3





	Attack on Cloudbase: Director's Cut

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lurlur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lurlur/gifts).



> Happy Birthday Lur! My awkward friend. Let this forever stand as a testament to that Godawful episode.

Symphony Angel flies over the desert, calling in only to report that she’d seen nothing but the warm, desolate expanse of sand. If the Mysterons were going to attack, it will surely be from there. 

“Return to Cloudbase,” Lieutenant Green says in her ear, barely heard over an inexplicable buzzing. 

_ Boom!  _

The string powered engine of her Angel Interceptor explodes sending the plane on a crash course with sand. 

Symphony is a fighter pilot though and remains calm. She radios her position and grid reference before ejecting into the sky, left only to watch as her plane smashes into a sandy mound and explode. Wreckage is strewn everywhere as it explodes. Then it explodes again because Gerry Anderson really likes to blow things up. The spectacle presumably makes up for the lacklustre plot. 

With nothing to do but wait for a rescue that she knows for sure is coming, Symphony does the only sensible thing. Discarding her communications equipment and the parachute that can be easily rigged into a form of shelter against the desert sun, she walks into the desert wearing a turtleneck.

It doesn’t take her long to realize that this was a piss poor idea. The sun beats down on her and she’s still wearing a goddamn sweater. She passes out to a dramatic crescendo beside the remains of what looks like a longhorn cow. At first, she might have thought that such animals don’t live in the desert but a quick check on Wikipedia told her she was wrong, and they’re actually well suited to drought environments. It’s still dead though. 

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN

The Mysterons introduce themselves as they do every Sunday at 1pm just before  _ The Man From Uncle _ on Channel 4. This week they’re going to destroy Cloudbase, which they’ve attempted to do before but this time they bloody well mean it. 

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN

Colonel White gathers around him Captain Blue and Captain Scarlet. Captain Blue because he’s competent and Scarlet because he’s great cannon fodder. Shame he’s a little dense. If Captain Ochre were indestructible the war with the Mysterons would be over by now. 

Lieutenant Green reminds them that there’s still nothing from Symphony Angel. Colonel White isn’t too bothered. 

“Don’t worry about Symphony. We’ll find her,” he says before turning to the matter at hand. “The Mysterons have threatened to destroy Cloudbase.”

“It had to come, Colonel,” Captain Scarlet says. “Cloudbase was always an obvious target.” 

Nobody seems to remember that the Mysterons already threatened Cloudbase and Captain Ochre saved their sorry hides. Where was his parade? 

Colonel White is confident the Mysterons won’t succeed and outlines the plan. 

“Cloudbase will be sealed off from external contact. It’s easily done because we’re literally in the sky. Any plane coming within a hundred-mile radius will be warned off. As of now, all personnel on Cloudbase are on Red Alert. We will double the radar watch, and everyone will work round the clock. Four hours on, two off.” He doesn’t seem to care that it’s an unsustainable shift rotation but then Cloudbase is manned by himself, six captains, five angels minus one, and Lieutenant sodding Green. 

“Yes, sir,” Captain Blue says.

“S.I.G,” says Captain Scarlet and they leave.

In the desert, Symphony hears the sound of an approaching angel and watches it fly overhead. She waves but it’s no use. She hasn’t been sighted. Better just collapse again. 

In the plane above, Destiny Angel radios in. “I have completed vector search. Nothing to report.”

Lieutenant Green passes it on to Colonel White. “Should I send her round again?”

“No,” the Colonel says. Cold and unfeeling. “Bring her back.” 

“But, Colonel, Symphony is down there somewhere, without food or water, and all we have to go on is her last known coordinates, a grid reference, a flaming plane wreckage in an otherwise barren desert and obvious tracks leading away from her ejected seat.”

“Recall that jet, Lieutenant.” Colonel White insists. “The security of Cloudbase comes before any individual.”

Lieutenant Green passes it on to Destiny Angel who returns without question. Symphony will be fine anyway. How quickly can a puppet dehydrate?

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN

In the rec room, Captain Scarlet tells Captain Blue to snap out of it. 

“You’re right,” Captain Blue sighs. He’s clearly reading a report of some kind but apparently he’s mind is elsewhere. “Destiny will find her, won’t she?”

“Of course she’ll find her. Come on,” Captain Scarlet says. Destiny is one of the finest pilots they have and it’s not like a crashed plane is hard to find when you have a specific grid reference with which to locate it. 

The two of them rise and head for the radar room. Inside, Captain Magenta looks at a blank map. 

“The hell are you two doing here?” he asks, wondering what he’s done wrong now. 

“This could be the most important room in Cloudbase,” Captain Blue tells him. “Keep a constant watch.” 

Captain Magenta is quick to reassure him. His job is to look at a screen. How hard can that be?

“I assume there’s nothing to report?” Captain Scarlet asks. 

“Well a convoy of Mysterons landed a little while ago but I forgot to mention it. Apart from that, nothing has come within a hundred miles since the red alert. Except Destiny of course.”

“What was that?” Captain Blue snaps.

“Destiny Angel, sir,” Captain Magenta replies, apparently deferring to Captain Blue even though they hold the same rank. “She landed five minutes ago.” Assumedly she was checked out and her aircraft inspected for signs of Mysteron sabotage but likely not. 

Captain Blue storms from the room, as much as he can when the production values specifically disguise their movement. 

“Where are you going, Captain?” Captain Scarlet asks. He doesn’t call him ‘sir’. Only in the bedroom. Chicka wow. 

“To see Colonel White!” 

Colonel White is talking about reports with Lieutenant Green when Captain Blue storms in. His hands are on his hips which shows he means business. 

“Colonel White! I demand an explanation! Why was the search for Symphony called off?!”

“What’s the meaning of this, Captain Blue?!” Colonel White shouts, drawing the camera’s attention onto him so Captain Blue can cross the room unobserved. “Bursting in here and making demands!” 

“I’m sorry, sir! But I have the right to ask for an explanation!” 

“I don’t have to explain myself to you!” Colonel White insists. “Understand the situation. Cloudbase is the target of the latest Mystreron threat. Its safety must be my first consideration. Destiny may well be required to defend it given that the three angels are our only possible line of defence. That’s why she was recalled.”

“And what happens to Symphony?”

“Her last position was relayed to Spectrum ground forces. Desert patrols left half an hour ago.”

“I’d like permission to join the search parties,” Captain Blue begs. 

“Out of the question.”

“I’m going, Colonel!” Captain Blue shouts, with no regard for the chain of command in an organization with blurred lines of command.

“I’m giving you a direct order, Captain Blue! You’ll stay on this base and watch the Angels defend it if necessary. If we’re not here, who’ll appreciate their aerial maneuvers? God knows, we won’t be doing anything else! What’s the matter with you, man? Are you in love with the girl?!”

“I suppose I am,” Captain Blue says. How can it be anything but love when he implied an attraction to her in like the fourth episode and took either Melody or Harmony to dinner during that episode with Big Ben. “Yes I am!”

“I see. I’m sorry, but this cannot affect my decision,” Colonel White tells him. Because his sacrifice of one of the best fighter pilots in the world might be reconsidered if Captain Blue might have  _ feelings _ for her. He tells Captain Blue that if he tries to leave he’s going to be destroyed because he is not fucking around. 

In the desert, Symphony is still unconscious but calling out for Captain Blue. 

“ _ Adam!”  _ she cries. 

Back on Cloudbase, Colonel White stares out the window and Lieutenant Green stares at Colonel White. 

Captain Scarlet and Captain Blue are back in the rec room. They have the most pointless conversation known to man when Captain Scarlet asks if Captain Blue isn’t hungry. He says he isn’t but Captain Scarlet can go ahead.

“I think I will,” Captain Scarlet says, even though he’s already clearly eating. 

In the Angel’s lounge, three of them sit around reading magazines while nothing happens. 

It’s been fourteen hours since the threat and  _ nothing. _

That is until something appears on the radar. 

_ BEEP BEEP BEEP _

“Colonel White! Colonel White! I’ve picked up something on the radar,” Captain Magenta shouts. “It must be big. It must be really big!” Given that radar is able to determine objects of various size and distance, Captain Magenta is able to narrow it down immensely. 

“Just give me its course, altitude and speed,” Colonel White snaps. 

Somehow he does. 

“It’s a passenger transport,” Lieutenant Green says. 

“Too fast, Lieutenant,” Colonel White tells him. The idiot. The fool. The absolute moron. A passenger plane travelling at four times the speed of sound in restricted airspace? Get the hell out of here, Lieutenant Green. 

“Some Air Force Jet, off course?” 

“Well, it’s just possible,” Colonel White concedes as though he hasn’t already given orders to shoot down anything within a hundred mile radius. “But unlikely, given that we’re a floating sky base waiting for an enemy to make good on their threat to destroy us.” 

Captain Magenta watches the beeping dot and shouts again. “Colonel White, it’s stopped” 

“Sound action stations, Lieutenant!” Colonel White shouts. Now that it’s stopped it’s way more of a threat than it’s intercept course at mach four. 

Angel One is launched. Rhapsody Angel (who I always confuse with Harmony Angel for some reason) flies out and radios back that she, “doesn’t believe it.” She simply, “doesn’t believe it.” 

“Believe what?” Basically everyone in the control room says. 

“I don’t know,” Rhapsody helpfully supplies. “I’m going in for a closer look.” 

Nobody looks impressed. 

“ _ I just don’t believe it!”  _ Rhapsody says. Then she finally gets to relaying what she’s seeing. “Colonel White, it’s basically a standard UFO. Circular, flat, and spinning because nobody quite figured out what a traditional UFO’s engine source would be.”

“A spacecraft!” Colonel White gasps, even though it’s clearly operating within the boundaries of the Earth’s atmosphere. “Rhapsody! Don’t go too close!” 

Rhapsody ignores the fuck out of him and goes for a flyby. A familiar buzz fills the cockpit, drowning out Colonel White’s orders to return to Cloudbase. Symphony’s engine exploded but this time, the entire Angel Interceptor goes up in pink smoke. We can assume the Mysterons shot down Symphony earlier then. Now Rhapsody is dead and Cloudbase is two Angel aircraft down. 

In the control room, Colonel White and Captain Scarlet look sad. Or they would if their expressions were capable of altering. Lieutenant Green cries into the microphone. 

“ _ Come in, Rhapsody.” _

“It’s no good, Lieutenant,” Colonel White sighs. “She must have been blown out of the sky.” 

“There’s something out there, Colonel. But what is it?” Captain Scarlet asks, as though Rhapsody Angel didn’t just die giving them intel and specific dimensions of the spacecraft. 

“We must face facts. At last, the Mysterons themselves have come to Earth to annihilate us,” Colonel White says. It’s entirely not in keeping with their M.O. almost like it’s all a terrible dream sequence, but nobody thinks of that now. 

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN

Colonel White gathers everyone in the meeting room. There are three Angels seated inside and three Angel aircraft outside even though two of them have been destroyed and they clearly don’t have an aircraft hanger. The fact that all three Angels are in the meeting means that Angel One isn’t manned, a clear deviance from protocol. Doctor Fawn sits at the table but there’s no sign of Captain Grey. He’s laughing it up wherever he is. 

Captain Ochre is only seen from behind even though he’s a badass. 

Colonel White tells them they’re now positioned over the Himalayas so that no civilians are injured when the Mysterons come for them. They’re clearly already there but that apparently doesn’t count. 

“I’m sure you’ll all do your duty,” Colonel White says, apparently unwilling to evacuate Cloudbase even though their only defence is the remaining three Angels, and we’ve seen how useless they are against sentient space computers with their fancy ability of  _ never dying ever. _

“Yes, sir! Colonel, sir!” Captain suck-up Magenta says, willing to die for the cause. 

Colonel White shoots him a look of pure disgust even though once again his expression doesn’t change and he dismisses everyone. 

“Oh, Captain Scarlet,” he calls as everyone rises. 

“Yes, sir?” Captain Scarlet asks. 

“Captain…” Colonel White starts in what seems to be the weirdest set up for a love declaration ever. “If ever we do get out of this alive… get your hair cut will you?”

“Yes Colonel!” Captain Scarlet says, pride bursting in his chest. 

“What did the Colonel want?” asks Captain Blue even though he’s clearly standing close enough to have heard it. 

“Just making sure I don’t get out of line. Maintaining discipline. He’s a wonderful man,” Captain Scarlet says giving me very little to go on because honestly, I’ve got nothing. That was all just weird. 

“I wonder if  _ Symphony _ thinks so,” Captain Blue says. Symphony’s probably been picked up by ground forces now and living the dream now that she’s not on a defenceless hunk of sky. 

We see her briefly still on the ground and then it’s back to Captain Blue looking mournfully into the middle distance. Will he ever tell Symphony he loves her? Did she even know? He gave her a birthday present once. Surely, nothing declares ones attentions more than a birthday present to a colleague. 

He sits with Captain Ochre and Captain Grey who has appeared out of fucking nowhere. Ochre pats his hand wondering why he ever gave up his last job.

Captain Magenta watches the beepy blob.

In the control room, Lieutenant Green starts freaking the fuck out. 

“ _ Why don’t they attack? Why don’t the Mysterons attack?”  _ he cries in an inversion of the usual question. ‘Why are they even bothering?”

“Steady, Lieutenant. Steady, man.” Colonel White says. He’s maintaining discipline. He’s a wonderful man. 

“I’m sorry, Colonel,” he says, unable to bear the waiting. 

“You mustn’t let them break your nerve,” Colonel White says. “They’ll come soon enough and we’ll do fuck all about it. We’re just going to sit here and let them blow us out of the sky because we have literally no defence but also no evacuation order.” 

Then. Disaster.

“Colonel White! Here they come!” Captain Magenta shouts as five more bleepy blobs fly onto the radar screen. “Two-no  _ three _ of them!” The fact that he never learned to count has never been an issue in an elite private military organization before. “Yes, three,” he insists though we can clearly see five.

“Make up your mind. And there’s no need to shout,” the wonderful man snaps. 

“No! There’s four! Sorry, Colonel. Four! One- two- three- four,” Captain Magenta supplies, showing as much ability as a particularly small child with limited communication skills watching an episode of Sesame Street. 

“This is it! Launch Angel Two!” Colonel White says because Angel One was destroyed. 

“No, Colonel!” Captain Scarlet says. “Let me go!”

“Thank you, Captain. Thank you.” 

He recalls Destiny who gives possibly the best performance in the entire series shouting, “Mon dieu! Let me go! Please! I have to go!” Because she’s a goddamn fighter pilot and Captain Scarlet probably doesn’t even know which way is up. 

In the radar room, Captain Magenta is still trying to count. “One. Two- wait a minute. One. Two. Three. Four! Yes, it’s four,” he says as the scene cuts to three UFOs waiting to bloody Cloudbase’s nose. 

Captain Scarlet takes up his position in Angel One even though Destiny was in Angel Two.

“Scarlet One, immediate launch,” Lieutenant Green says. Because apparently the names of the aircraft change depending on who is flying them. Off he goes. Whee.

“There goes a brave man,” Colonel White says proudly. He and Captain Scarlet obviously have a forbidden romance thing going on which neither will cross because of the division of rank. 

“Yeah...anyone can be brave if they’re indestructible,” Lieutenant Green says like the little shit he is. 

“That’s enough, Lieutenant!” Colonel White snaps. The music gets dramatic so we know that the true fight isn’t with the Mysterons but with the enemy within. Indiscipline. 

Lieutenant Green turns away sarcastically. If the show had spent even a moment reflecting on the existential nature of Captain Scarlet’s ability, maybe he’d have a point. But he doesn’t. So instead he can shut the fuck up. 

Captain Scarlet goes out to have a look and closes for attack on three UFOs but then. BUZZ. 

Nothing happens. 

And then somehow the plane explodes from behind again. Captain Scarlet turns the plane around and aims it for Cloudbase. Colonel White evacuates the flight deck, though again there’s only like ten people on Cloudbase so who is he evacuating? “Captain Blue, get Captain Scarlet down to Sickbay as soon as he lands.” 

“Yes, sir,” Captain Blue says as Captain Scarlet crashes and goes bang a bit. He’s dead again but Doctor Fawn is waiting. 

Three UFOs make their approach plus another one and sickbay is totally destroyed. Cloudbase is left billowing smoke and an Angel aircraft is visible on the flight deck even though it wasn’t there a minute ago when Captain Scarlet came in to land. 

We see the radar and eleven bleepy blobs. Has Captain Magenta managed to count them? Unlikely.

“Colonel White! They’re closing in!”

“How many?” Colonel White asks. 

“I’ll count, sir,” Captain Magenta replies because it hasn’t occurred to him to do so yet. 

Another explosion and in sickbay which was destroyed a minute ago, Captain Blue and the Mysteron agent Captain Black stand over Captain Scarlet. 

“Colonel White. Doctor Fawn has been killed, but his assistant tells me Captain Scarlet is dead.” Captain Blue cries into the communicator he isn’t wearing. 

“I want Scarlet in the control room,” Colonel White shouts. “How long will he take to recover?”

Captain Blue looks to Captain Black who looks like he’s skipped a session at the methadone clinic. He shakes his head as a funeral march plays. 

“You don’t understand, Colonel. He’s really dead. Permanent. Final. Absolutely dead.”

“ _ Dead? Captain Scarlet? Dead?!” _

“Steady, Colonel. Steady.” Lieutenant Green says.

“Thank you, Lieutenant,” Colonel White replies. What he means to say is, “don’t take that fucking tone with me. I know you’re parallelling our earlier scene but the context is entirely different. I’m not losing my nerve. I’m allowed to be surprised that our agent who literally can’t die has apparently died while my base explodes around us, you absolute walnut.” 

“Colonel White!” Captain Magenta shouts. He too isn’t wearing a communicator. 

“Oh no,” Colonel White groans, visibly wondering if death is a preferable alternative to this conversation. 

“I’m still trying to count them all, Colonel! That’s seven. Seven. Er. Oh. Er.” He says, trying to count the eleven dots on screen. “Oh. One, two, three, four, five, seven, eight, nine, ten.” No, I’m not exaggerating, this is what actually happens. This is the dialogue. “Er. Ten. Er. Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen,” he’s gotten into the swing of it now that he’s out of single digits. “Eighteen.  _ Look at that! _ Nineteen, Twenty. Er. Twenty-one.  _ Oh! Look at the size of this one! Twenty five! Oh!” _

An explosion cuts him short, killing him instantly much to everyone’s relief. 

“Too eager. Far too eager,” Colonel White sighs. Because his exuberance was apparently more of an issue than the fact that he can’t count. Why was he even in the radar room? I bet Captain Ochre can count. 

Another explosion from the eleven UFOs visible around Cloudbase and it’s starting to tilt. The remaining two angels that are inexplicably still on deck start to shift and fall from the base. Apparently, they’re secured by nothing more than their weight which, given their altitude, is just asking for disaster. They fall to the Himalayas below. Inside the remaining Angels are killed by a pink explosion in their lounge. 

“It’s no good, Colonel,” Captain Blue shouts. He’s in the control room now and trying to make it sound like they’ve affected any kind of defence. “We’re finished! Cloudbase will crash in about two minutes,” he says as a UFO makes a suicide run into the base that is clearly about to be destroyed anyway. 

“Is anyone else alive, Lieutenant?” Colonel White asks but Lieutenant Green can only tell him, no. Another explosion wipes out Lieutenant Green and injures Colonel White. Captain Blue has broken his arm. 

“Ah, the situation is hopeless,” Colonel White sighs, suggesting they’ve done more than just sit there and get whomped on by uncountable shiny discs. “Put on a power jet-pack and abandon Cloudbase,” he tells Captain Blue. He could have given the order to evacuate a long ass time ago but y’know. Wonderful man etc. 

“I’m sorry, Colonel,” Captain Blue says, unable to stand on his broken arm. “I can’t make it.” 

Cloudbase is falling fast now. 

“Colonel, I-” Captain Blue starts, in another weirdly toned ‘is this a love declaration or not?’

“No need for that, Captain-” Colonel White says, not wanting his last few moments on earth to be awkward. “-Er. Adam, isn’t it?” he asks, revealing that the only reason there’s six of them wearing brightly coloured uniforms is because he’s shit with names. 

The funeral knell plays again and Colonel White picks up one of his old medals which are on his desk now but weren’t a second ago. 

He opens a communique to Spectrum Headquarters, London and tells them that they’re fucked but he’s going down with the ship. Then a picture of him stands, salutes and spins excessively even though Cloudbase is falling vertically without any spin. 

“ _ Adam. Adam. Adam. Adam. Adam. Adam!”  _ Symphony cries out in the desert. Captain Blue and Captain Scarlet stand over her making no effort to get her medical attention. 

“It’s alright, Symphony,” Captain Blue says. He’s not dead! “We’ll soon have you back on Cloudbase.” Implying Cloudbase is fine! 

How can this be?!

“It was a nightmare, a terrible, horrible nightmare,” Symphony says in the briefing room. 

“Yes, I know how the sun can play strange tricks,” Colonel White shrugs, wondering why they’re having a debrief over something one of the staff dreamed. 

“But you’re safe now,” Captain Blue says. 

“Yes, but it was so vivid,” Symphony insists as though that means anything at all in the waking world. “You were all different somehow. The Colonel, even more commanding.” 

Colonel White clears his throat awkwardly. 

“And you, Captain Magenta, so keen and eager to please,” she adds. Because that’s the take away for him here. 

“Well, I am,” he says. “I mean. I try.” Oh God, he thinks. What if they find out I never got past season one of Barney. 

“How was I in your dream, Symphony?” Captain Blue asks in the creepiest tone he could possibly ask such a thing. 

“You were just...Adam,” she sighs. Declaring your love for me before the Colonel when you thought I was dead but having very little interaction with me for the rest of the show. 

“Sounds to me as if it wasn’t so bad,” Captain Scarlet says, having clearly missed the bit where literally everyone died horribly. 

“No. It was horrible,” Symphony protests. “You were all killed.” 

“Even me?” he asks and you know what he means, being indestructible and all but it still smacks of egotism. 

“Even you, Captain Scarlet. But then it  _ WAS  _ only a dream.”

“Was I there?” Captain Puce asks from over his war medals. 

“No, didn’t see you,” Symphony sighs. “I suppose that’s how I should have known it was a dream.”

Captain Puce adjusts his medals, knowing that unlike Captain Magenta, he can count. Kind of. 

“Sounds like a pretty shit dream,” he says. “Next time, don’t wander off from the specified grid reference and abandon your communication equipment.” 

The room laughs and fades to that song that plays at the end of some of the episodes. 

  
  
  



End file.
